Every now and then, a revolutionary comes along and, against all odds, breaks box office records and wows the movie-viewing public. "Paranormal Activity" was made with a measly $15,000 budget about three years ago. It finally found a studio to distribute the movie, but from the lack of PA commercials, I gather there was barely a budget for marketing the movie.
But what PA had going for it was positive word of mouth. From Yahoo to IMDB to RottenTomatoes to countless Facebook friends, I heard that PA was the bee's knees of low-budget horror movies. So scary that grown men admitted to screaming like 12-year-old girls in the theater. So unnerving that people wondered if they'd be able to fall asleep that night. With such positive reviews from so many outlets, how could I not watch this movie?
I met up wit two of my co-workers at AMC theaters in hopes of watching PA and being so terrified that I would lose control of one or two of my bodily function. I don't know what movie everyone else saw, but I saw 86 minutes of boring, poorly-acted, poorly-scripted bullshit. I will (without giving away the plot) run down the stuff that left me emotions and wallet feeling like they just got molested by a creepy uncle.
*Poor acting. I know the movie's minuscule budget didn't allow the power to be to hire Morgan Freeman and Maggie Smith, but I know they could have found some talented yet unknown actors to on the two lead parts. Instead we were stuck with boring, untalented Micah and Katie.
*I knew how to resolve the movie within 20 minutes. All one person in the movie had to do was kick another person out of the house for good and I think things would have been alright.
*Horrible pacing. Since there actors couldn't act, I just had to have faith that the action in the movie would more than redeem the action. I was wrong. I sat there waiting for something to happen. Nothing happen. And when something did happen, the movie ended 20 seconds later.
*It wasn't scary. I've seen my share of disturbing, vomit-inducing photos and videos, both real and fictional. So my fear tolerance is ridiculously strong. But I tend to let things slide when I watch horror movies. I let down my guard and let myself get slightly spooked by what I see. Not here. The movie was so cheesy that I found myself laughing during most of the "scary" parts.
*The length. You read correctly earlier. The movie is only an hour and and 26 minute. Had they extended the movie and added material after that one scary part at the end, I think it would have made up for the foolishness with which I had to deal.
*Why now? All this time a certain something as been going on for a long time with a certain person in this movie. And it waits until now to come to a head. Why not that other time. (If you've seen the movie, you'll know what I mean.)
I know I am very critical about movies, but when everyone in the theater gave a collective "That's it? What the fuck?", I could rest easy knowing I wasn't the only one who thought PA was a huge shit sandwich.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Operation: Take Back the Night
As far as I know, Halloween isn't until Oct. 31. So when I went into the Magic and Fun Costume Shop (on Tennessee Street next to Blockbuster and across the street form AJ's Bar and Grill in Tallahassee, Fla) on Oct. 6, I figured I could go in, browse the items, make a sound decision, and come back when I had money and set-in-stone plans for Halloween. Apparently, that's not what the owner had in mind.
My amigo, Andrew, and I had loads of time to kill that Tuesday, so I suggested we go to the costume shop so I could try to find a costume. After about 30 or 45 minutes, the owner started following Andrew and I around the store, quickly telling us how great a product was as soon as either of us picked it up. But 20 minutes later, his patience wore thin.
"Have you decided what you want to be?" the owner asked.
"Well right now, I'm shooting for a Black Mexican, a pirate who can't swim, or an obese ninja," I replied. "But I can't decide. I'm just looking right now, tho."
"OK, but here, we're all about transforming people. And if you're not willing to be transformed, we don't want to waste your time, and we don't want you wasting our time."
The owner quit talking, but he made sure to stay at the end of the aisle, to remain close to us. Just in case we needed any help, of course. I wish I could say I found it odd that, with a store full of customers, he continued to keep his eyes on only us. But Real recognize Real; I knew what was up. But it seems he couldn't keep his tongue or frustration subdued any longer.
"Have you decided yet?" the owner asked again.
"Not yet," I nonchalantly replied. Again. After being talked down to for the past 20 or so minutes, I was doing my best to tune this man out. "I'm still looking, and I don't think Andrew's even going to dress up for Halloween."
"OK guys, I need you to do me a favor," the owner said in a matter-of-fact tone. "I need you to go outside and don't come back in until you know what you want."
I stood there shocked. Not shocked that I was followed around a store. Not even shocked that I was asked to leave. I was dumb-founded by the fact that we were being temporarily kicked out. For fucking browsing.
"Are you serious?" Andrew inquired. "Why?"
"Because I don't like you two. I'm the owner and I want you both out of my store."
Although Andrew decided to take the low road and curse the man out, I decided to get my buddy and leave without a fuss -- after depositing a mouthful of saliva on the front steps. To the owner, and to many others, it might seem that I wasn't forceful enough. Even Andrew thought I should have stood my ground, got in the man's face and stated my case. But I refused to play into that asshole's hands and be the ignorant nigger he probably thought I was. I know the deal. I've seen this kind of arrogance and ignorance before. And I know there are no customer service agents to call because this is a locally-owned shop.
But what he didn't know is that Phyllis Oliver is my mother; Carol, Wilma and Debra are my aunts; and Tia is my sister. None of us willingly lay down and get violated with piss-poor customer service. If you want to be nasty with us, we will both take the high road all the while getting just as nasty with you.
Immediately after being told to leave, I got my sister on the phone and told her what happened. Although our conversation lasted for under a minute, we set up a plan for how to stick it to the man. Three days later, she, our cousin Amber, and their friends Cynthia, Chelsea and Malcolm met me at the costume shop. We we went in with the intentions of wasting as much time as possible. Try on as many costumes/wigs as possible. Ask as many questions as possible. But always being as congenial as possible.
Amber picked up a fake severed limbs, a female Freddie Krueger outfit and another outfit. My sister got the female boxer and sexy gangster outfits. Chelsea had the gold digger and opera singer. Cynthia had the naughty cop and 60's flower child. Malcolm had the six-foot-tall Stewie Griffin. Even though they didn't take long to try on costumes, and the sign clearly stated we could try on up to six costumes, the owner came by and rushed them with their costume fitting, further exemplifying the poor customer service that led to this ruse.
After an hour, everyone made their choices and headed to the check-out counter with the intentions of ringing it all up on one tab. I felt bad for what we were doing because all the employees were very helpful and friendly. It was the owner who unknowingly fucked it up for everyone else. After the cashier hand-keyed and bagged our $488-worth of merchandise, my sister and I "all of a suddenly" decided we didn't want any of it.
I've never seen a person's emotions go from pseudo-friendly to boiling red in 1.4 seconds before, but I saw it then. The owner quickly pointed at the six of us, told us to "get the hell off" his property, and that if he saw us on the property again, he would call the cops on us for trespassing. Seeing that we were completely unfazed by his threat, he whipped out his huge, 1997-era cell phone and called the cops that moment. Knowing to get out while the gettin's good, we piled into our cars and drove away, completely satisfied that we were able to stick it to the man while not turning into Sambos and coons in the process.
The moral of this story is to be nice to the people who spend money or will potentially spend money in your store. Just because you have a monopoly on the costume business after the only other party store was forced to temporarily shut down, doesn't mean people will put up with poor service. And if you want to fuck me, I'll fuck you back. With no lube.
Deuces.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGaFPJmMNbw
My amigo, Andrew, and I had loads of time to kill that Tuesday, so I suggested we go to the costume shop so I could try to find a costume. After about 30 or 45 minutes, the owner started following Andrew and I around the store, quickly telling us how great a product was as soon as either of us picked it up. But 20 minutes later, his patience wore thin.
"Have you decided what you want to be?" the owner asked.
"Well right now, I'm shooting for a Black Mexican, a pirate who can't swim, or an obese ninja," I replied. "But I can't decide. I'm just looking right now, tho."
"OK, but here, we're all about transforming people. And if you're not willing to be transformed, we don't want to waste your time, and we don't want you wasting our time."
The owner quit talking, but he made sure to stay at the end of the aisle, to remain close to us. Just in case we needed any help, of course. I wish I could say I found it odd that, with a store full of customers, he continued to keep his eyes on only us. But Real recognize Real; I knew what was up. But it seems he couldn't keep his tongue or frustration subdued any longer.
"Have you decided yet?" the owner asked again.
"Not yet," I nonchalantly replied. Again. After being talked down to for the past 20 or so minutes, I was doing my best to tune this man out. "I'm still looking, and I don't think Andrew's even going to dress up for Halloween."
"OK guys, I need you to do me a favor," the owner said in a matter-of-fact tone. "I need you to go outside and don't come back in until you know what you want."
I stood there shocked. Not shocked that I was followed around a store. Not even shocked that I was asked to leave. I was dumb-founded by the fact that we were being temporarily kicked out. For fucking browsing.
"Are you serious?" Andrew inquired. "Why?"
"Because I don't like you two. I'm the owner and I want you both out of my store."
Although Andrew decided to take the low road and curse the man out, I decided to get my buddy and leave without a fuss -- after depositing a mouthful of saliva on the front steps. To the owner, and to many others, it might seem that I wasn't forceful enough. Even Andrew thought I should have stood my ground, got in the man's face and stated my case. But I refused to play into that asshole's hands and be the ignorant nigger he probably thought I was. I know the deal. I've seen this kind of arrogance and ignorance before. And I know there are no customer service agents to call because this is a locally-owned shop.
But what he didn't know is that Phyllis Oliver is my mother; Carol, Wilma and Debra are my aunts; and Tia is my sister. None of us willingly lay down and get violated with piss-poor customer service. If you want to be nasty with us, we will both take the high road all the while getting just as nasty with you.
Immediately after being told to leave, I got my sister on the phone and told her what happened. Although our conversation lasted for under a minute, we set up a plan for how to stick it to the man. Three days later, she, our cousin Amber, and their friends Cynthia, Chelsea and Malcolm met me at the costume shop. We we went in with the intentions of wasting as much time as possible. Try on as many costumes/wigs as possible. Ask as many questions as possible. But always being as congenial as possible.
Amber picked up a fake severed limbs, a female Freddie Krueger outfit and another outfit. My sister got the female boxer and sexy gangster outfits. Chelsea had the gold digger and opera singer. Cynthia had the naughty cop and 60's flower child. Malcolm had the six-foot-tall Stewie Griffin. Even though they didn't take long to try on costumes, and the sign clearly stated we could try on up to six costumes, the owner came by and rushed them with their costume fitting, further exemplifying the poor customer service that led to this ruse.
After an hour, everyone made their choices and headed to the check-out counter with the intentions of ringing it all up on one tab. I felt bad for what we were doing because all the employees were very helpful and friendly. It was the owner who unknowingly fucked it up for everyone else. After the cashier hand-keyed and bagged our $488-worth of merchandise, my sister and I "all of a suddenly" decided we didn't want any of it.
I've never seen a person's emotions go from pseudo-friendly to boiling red in 1.4 seconds before, but I saw it then. The owner quickly pointed at the six of us, told us to "get the hell off" his property, and that if he saw us on the property again, he would call the cops on us for trespassing. Seeing that we were completely unfazed by his threat, he whipped out his huge, 1997-era cell phone and called the cops that moment. Knowing to get out while the gettin's good, we piled into our cars and drove away, completely satisfied that we were able to stick it to the man while not turning into Sambos and coons in the process.
The moral of this story is to be nice to the people who spend money or will potentially spend money in your store. Just because you have a monopoly on the costume business after the only other party store was forced to temporarily shut down, doesn't mean people will put up with poor service. And if you want to fuck me, I'll fuck you back. With no lube.
Deuces.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGaFPJmMNbw
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
When you came in, the air went out...
Time for another live blog on True Blood. This is for the Aug. 2 ep; let's keep it funky. Oh, and no haterade.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
I wanna do bad things with you....TRUE BLOOD Live Blog
The time is here my people. It's Sunday night and it's going down. Leave your comments here during the show. Let's all have a great time; and please, no hate toward any other poster. Thanks.
B.rand
Sunday, June 14, 2009
"Let's kick it, Jesus style"
There is bound to be a decent selection of films at your local AMC and Regal theater. But there are many more movies of which the general public might not know exist. Whether they are artsy foreign films or low-budget independent films with little money for advertising and marketing, some films never make to people who aren't film fans in some way affected by the movie.
Whatever the reason, very few people know about the 2004's "Saved!," an independent movie about teenagers attending a Christian high school and their daring to question to what they've thought was indisputable.
"Is that Mary. What's she doing there?"
"There's only one reason Christian girls go to Planned Parenthood."
"She's got a pipe bomb!?!"
"OK, two reasons."
Mary has been a born-again Christian her entire 17-year-old life. She has what she thinks is the perfect life: she's a part of American Eagle Christian High School's in-crowd (The Christian Jewels), her mother is one of the area's best Christian-themed interior decorators, and she has a wonderful Christian boyfriend.
But when Mary and Dean, her boyfriend, tell each other secrets about themselves underwater, Dean says, "I think I'm gay." After suffering a nasty bump on the head, "Jesus to speak to her," telling her she must do what she can to help Dean. Taking "Jesus's" advice to the extreme, Mary loses her virginity to Dean in order to de-gay him. Unfortunately for Mary, AECH didn't start teaching sex-ed classes until after she found out she was pregnant with Dean's baby.
"We have to help Dean. I mean, you're not born a gay. You're born again."
Saved! is a wonderful, quirky movie with an eclectic cast that includes Jena Malone ("Stepmom") as scared and confused Mary, Patrick Fugit ("Almost Famous") as Patrick, the principal's son who likes Mary, singer Mandy Moore as Christian zealot and Christian Jewels leader Hilary Faye, and Macaulay Culkin (as if I had to name a movie) as Hilary Faye's brother and near-total opposite, Roland.
Saved! succeeded in showing the movie goer that Christians are people like everyone else. Despite the overwhelming love for Jesus and the doings of his work, the same things that go on at AECH happen at regular high schools. The popular crowd is adored by most (students, faculty and staff alike). Anyone who goes against the grain will automatically be social pariahs--no matter how much everyone else wants to save that person. When one of the mighty falls, there is always someone itching to take his or her place. And anything that even remotely challenges the system with be looked down up and barely spoken of.
"I don't think Jesus is supposed to be white."
"Of course, Jesus is white. Gosh, Roland, sometimes I think you're retarded too."
Although the last act of the movie gets a tad preachy, I had a fun hour and 32 minutes watching. Watching Mary reach outside her comfort zone, Roland and Cassandra let their guard down without compromising who they were, Tia try her hardest to climb the social ladder, and Hilary Faye pelt Mary with a Bible during an emergency exorcism.
BAM "I am FILLED with Christ's love."
If you haven't already, go see this movie. It might teach you something about tolerance and acceptance. Or it just might make you laugh for 92 minutes. Either way, it's well worth it.
"I CRASHED MY VAN INTO JESUS!"
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