Memorial Day was approaching and I had nothing planned. I thought I'd be a lame and get stuck at home on a day that should be full of cook-outs and beach trips, but Andrew came through with a plan. He invited me to go with him, Justin, Sean, and (later) Manny to Bear Paw, a river intertubing service in Marianna, Fla. I was happy to get an invite, but there was one very VERY important factor on which i would base my decision.
I don't believe in believing in stereotypes, but I prove one of them to be true. I CANNOT SWIM. Not at all. I can get myself to the top of the water, but that's about it. So before I accepted the invite, I asked, "Andrew, how deep is the water? I want to go, but you know I can't swim." With a straight face, Andrew said, "around three feet deep."
Three feet, you say? That's not deep at all, because I'm 6'1. That's what I was thinking the whole ride over there. Once we get there, I ask again, just to be sure, how deep the water is. Justin, not knowing I couldn't swim, nonchalantly says, "it's shallow, but parts of it get to be 8-10 feet deep.
WHAT THE FUCK!!! That was the end of my good day, and it was only 11 a.m. (noon eastern time). For the next four and a half hours, and the next 3-4 hours, i bitched, complained, lived and moved in fear, and cursed out (silently and very loudly) Andrew for purposefully misleading me into a dirty river in the middle of the country, where I was one of the only four black people I saw the whole time.
What have I learned from my experience? Never go anywhere Andrew invites you unless you've been there first. Punch the shit out of anyone who, after knowingly guiding you to near death, says "if i would have told you how (insert adjective here) it was, you wouldn't have came." And last but not least, if you wind up going bitch for four hours in front of your friends and co-workers, try your hardest to attempt to look on the bright side.
Keep it sleazy,
B.Rand
P.S. Not to be an utter downer, the bright sides of the trip were funny conversations when I wasn't fearing for my life, people trying their best to cheer me up, a complete stranger giving me a beer, and my companions, despite my constant bitching, pissing and moaning, "towing" me and my tube for a good 3 and a half miles. Thanks guys.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Here's to weed.
I used to see them all the time and think they were informative. I thought the individuals behind them wanted nothing but the best for the people who watched them. But then I grew up, got wise to the world a bit, smoked some weed, and came to my senses. And in my expert opinion, these anti-marijuana TV commercials are bogus, meant only to scare people away from the stickiest of the icky.
The commercials aren't completely bogus, but I hate how the they insinuate that every negative consequence known to man will plague you if you put blunt to mouth just once. People who do nothing but smoke weed--the people who wake up and instead of brushing their teeth, smoke some weed--might lose some friends, their job, their chance at getting another job, contact with their family members, their possessions, their state of awareness, and a bit of self-respect and dignity. But what about the people who smoke casually? What about the people like me (well, me prior to late 2007 and me after I get another job) who smoke weed once or twice a week, if that much. I can't speak for everyone who smokes pot so rarely, but I've never had any of that shit happen to me. I just got real hungry and ate the shit out of a Whataburger.
I applaud the anti-weed people for trying to keep America's youth drug-free, but if you are going to take up multiple thirty-second intervals of my life, don't only point out the negatives. Just like Tim Meadows said in "Walk Hard," weed won't give you a hangover, it's non-addictive to the vast majority of people who have tried it, and IT IS THE CHEAPEST DRUG YOU CAN TRY! (Where else can you and four friends have such a time by spending $5.50 each, five dollars for the grass and fifty cents each for a cigar?) Not to mention, if you get high on weed and watch "Lean on Me," "Harlem Nights," "From Dusk till Dawn," or "What's Love Got to do With It" with your friends, you will have stories to share for years.
I completely support people's decision to or not to smoke marijuana; I just don't support bumming the hell out of me when I'm trying to watch "Scrubs" by showing me some random "Chica," who speaks one Spanish word per English sentence and had her naked picture takes because she was high on weed. That's not what happens on a weed high. Getting naked and taking pictures is what you do when you are drunk. I know from experience.
Get this fake ass Maya Angelou and her poetry about a guy getting high and sitting on his stoop off my screen. Why is she spending all her time writing about him and what he does on his own property. Stalker, anyone.
If I want to smoke some pot, I will. And if I want to smoke fools like you on the tennis court, damn it, I will.
Light it up (if you so choose),
B.rand
The commercials aren't completely bogus, but I hate how the they insinuate that every negative consequence known to man will plague you if you put blunt to mouth just once. People who do nothing but smoke weed--the people who wake up and instead of brushing their teeth, smoke some weed--might lose some friends, their job, their chance at getting another job, contact with their family members, their possessions, their state of awareness, and a bit of self-respect and dignity. But what about the people who smoke casually? What about the people like me (well, me prior to late 2007 and me after I get another job) who smoke weed once or twice a week, if that much. I can't speak for everyone who smokes pot so rarely, but I've never had any of that shit happen to me. I just got real hungry and ate the shit out of a Whataburger.
I applaud the anti-weed people for trying to keep America's youth drug-free, but if you are going to take up multiple thirty-second intervals of my life, don't only point out the negatives. Just like Tim Meadows said in "Walk Hard," weed won't give you a hangover, it's non-addictive to the vast majority of people who have tried it, and IT IS THE CHEAPEST DRUG YOU CAN TRY! (Where else can you and four friends have such a time by spending $5.50 each, five dollars for the grass and fifty cents each for a cigar?) Not to mention, if you get high on weed and watch "Lean on Me," "Harlem Nights," "From Dusk till Dawn," or "What's Love Got to do With It" with your friends, you will have stories to share for years.
I completely support people's decision to or not to smoke marijuana; I just don't support bumming the hell out of me when I'm trying to watch "Scrubs" by showing me some random "Chica," who speaks one Spanish word per English sentence and had her naked picture takes because she was high on weed. That's not what happens on a weed high. Getting naked and taking pictures is what you do when you are drunk. I know from experience.
Get this fake ass Maya Angelou and her poetry about a guy getting high and sitting on his stoop off my screen. Why is she spending all her time writing about him and what he does on his own property. Stalker, anyone.
If I want to smoke some pot, I will. And if I want to smoke fools like you on the tennis court, damn it, I will.
Light it up (if you so choose),
B.rand
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