While at work, my roommate texted me, telling me horrible news. Ike Turner died on Wednesday Dec. 12, 2007. Like when everyone dies, I got a bit sad. And buy sad, I mean felt sympathy for his family and loved ones. I wasn't crying or anything. I don't even know the nigga. Just think of all the good Ike Turner has done for the world, especially black people, ages 15-35.
Ike was a pillar of rock and roll. Current popular recording artists credit Ike as an influence in their careers. He won a Grammy in 2007 for his blues album, "Risin' with the Blues." But what we all really know Ike for is an act dating back to prehistoric times: Going upside woman's head. And not just any woman. Tina Turner.
As vividly detailed in "What's Love Got To Do With It," Ike went upside Tina's head from, what had to be, the late 1950s to the late 1970s. There was lip busting, nose breaking, boot hitting, and shallow apologies. But I digress. What we really love most, and what I will miss most, about shrimpy ass Ike Turner is all the crazy fashion statements and catchphrases.
How many of you have Ike to thank for "fi- fi- FINE YO ASS," "damn Anne, you got mo excuses than a nigga going to jail," and "tho..tho..thought a nigga like me would let you go." How many people have had joy brought to their life when they saw Lawrence Fishburn in a purple, one-piece jump suit, a Beatles-inspired wig, and a belt with a hand buckle. Or what about the Indian-inspired outfit complete with the Afro with the feather attached. How many of us got a friend like Frost riding our nuts.
And don't think I forgot about everyone's favorite. "EAT THE CAKE, ANNA MAE. EAT THE G**DAMN CAKE."
Although Ike later (and for real) got off that narcotic, worked to clean up his image due to a one-sided, critically acclaimed movie, and won countless awards, I will always remember him as the coke-addicted, wife beater I grew to love. And while Tina Turner dances in her four-inch stilettos around her Parisian mansion, Friday, Latoya and I will get drunk, watch "What's Love..." and eat cake in honor of Ike. Anyone interested in helping us commemorate his memory can feel free to join me at 1081-2 Solana Ave.
Thanks for listening,
B.rand
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Busted my shit wide open
Hello everyone. First I must say thank you to the people who actually read these things. I didn't know I had five fans, but I digress. This note is not that meaningful (in my opinion). But I felt other people needed to know since they didn't have tickets for the show.
For those of you who don't know, I work at Winn-Dixie in the deli/bakery departments. Every night, the closing person has to spray the floor with a mixture of water and grease cutter so health inspectors won't shut us down for having a filthy floor. And for those of you who don't know, I am consistently broke and unfathomably cheap. My shoes look like they are three shifts away from ripping to shreds. But since they have yet to break, I have refused to buy a cheap pair from Payless.
Long story short, I turned a corner, my right foot lost all friction, my left leg followed, and my big ass landed on the floor. Well, not the entire gluteus maximus. That's the one good thing about this story; I landed more so on my right upper thigh/lower butt cheek, saving me from a nasty tail bone injury. I thought the stinging would go away shortly after leaving work. I was wrong. My right upper thigh hurts more than my ears after hearing that J.Lo commercial for Rhapsody.com/jenniferlopez.
So, long story cut not so long....I fell at work and busted my s**t wide open.
Alieve should help, although I'm expecting a big ole bruise to show up. But if I survived being dropped by my friends while i was doing a keg stand, I can survive a fall.
Thanks for listening,
B.Rand
For those of you who don't know, I work at Winn-Dixie in the deli/bakery departments. Every night, the closing person has to spray the floor with a mixture of water and grease cutter so health inspectors won't shut us down for having a filthy floor. And for those of you who don't know, I am consistently broke and unfathomably cheap. My shoes look like they are three shifts away from ripping to shreds. But since they have yet to break, I have refused to buy a cheap pair from Payless.
Long story short, I turned a corner, my right foot lost all friction, my left leg followed, and my big ass landed on the floor. Well, not the entire gluteus maximus. That's the one good thing about this story; I landed more so on my right upper thigh/lower butt cheek, saving me from a nasty tail bone injury. I thought the stinging would go away shortly after leaving work. I was wrong. My right upper thigh hurts more than my ears after hearing that J.Lo commercial for Rhapsody.com/jenniferlopez.
So, long story cut not so long....I fell at work and busted my s**t wide open.
Alieve should help, although I'm expecting a big ole bruise to show up. But if I survived being dropped by my friends while i was doing a keg stand, I can survive a fall.
Thanks for listening,
B.Rand
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Re-making friends
NOTE: I have to be at work in about 23 minutes and I'm not dressed yet; please forgive my errors.
It's been a tad bit over five years since I've graduated from Palatka High and moved away to Tallahassee. During the five years, I, along with mostly everyone and everything, have changed a lot since then. My outlook on life has gotten darker, more cynical. My alcohol consumption has risen (don't judge me; let God do it). And I've become more of an individual and not let family and friends dictate most of what I do.
I thought it was just me. But after talking to my friend, Jordan, on MySpace IM yesterday, I realized he has too. The last time I had a conversation with this dude, as far as I can recall, was the Sunday after I graduated in 2002. We've been MySpace and Facebook friends for quite a bit, but we all know that, a lot of times, FB and MS friends aren't really friends. So while i was just chillin' and ish, I decided to say hello and see if we could at least carry this thing on for five minutes.
After talking to him, I found out we actually have a lot in common. We are both shy people who came out of our shells after high school. We both at some point in our lives worked as correspondents for the Palatka Daily News. We both enjoy writing. And, it seems, neither of us knew this about each other back in the day. We were cool, but we just didn't know.
So this all has me thinking how much I could know/have known about a lot of my friends if i just listen and be more observant. How many more REAL friends could I have made in high school and college if I would have made more of an effort? And since we have all changed, could I be cool with people whom I really were not previously cool?
Hmm, makes me wonder...
B.Rand
It's been a tad bit over five years since I've graduated from Palatka High and moved away to Tallahassee. During the five years, I, along with mostly everyone and everything, have changed a lot since then. My outlook on life has gotten darker, more cynical. My alcohol consumption has risen (don't judge me; let God do it). And I've become more of an individual and not let family and friends dictate most of what I do.
I thought it was just me. But after talking to my friend, Jordan, on MySpace IM yesterday, I realized he has too. The last time I had a conversation with this dude, as far as I can recall, was the Sunday after I graduated in 2002. We've been MySpace and Facebook friends for quite a bit, but we all know that, a lot of times, FB and MS friends aren't really friends. So while i was just chillin' and ish, I decided to say hello and see if we could at least carry this thing on for five minutes.
After talking to him, I found out we actually have a lot in common. We are both shy people who came out of our shells after high school. We both at some point in our lives worked as correspondents for the Palatka Daily News. We both enjoy writing. And, it seems, neither of us knew this about each other back in the day. We were cool, but we just didn't know.
So this all has me thinking how much I could know/have known about a lot of my friends if i just listen and be more observant. How many more REAL friends could I have made in high school and college if I would have made more of an effort? And since we have all changed, could I be cool with people whom I really were not previously cool?
Hmm, makes me wonder...
B.Rand
Saturday, July 14, 2007
When it's over
For as long as I can remember, people have always talked, and gossiped, about the recently dead. "She had a long, eventful life." "His kids are going to be left in debt because he didn't pay his bills." "He was old and weak; it was a blessing he went." "I heard she was sleeping with the dude who shot her."
Yeah, I've heard all of that in some shape or form, and it shocked me to hear the negative comments. I used to be a tad naive, thinking people only said nice things about the deceased--you know, out of respect. But, hey, I would be mad at everyone if they didn't say what was on their mind. But at the same time, I often wonder: What will people say/think about me when God strikes me down.
But this is not some vain attempt to keep people from talking bad about me when I'm dead and gone. People will talk regardless. What I'm trying to get at is what my legacy will be. How will I affect people? What will be my life's highlights? And did anyone see my method of death coming a mile away?
There are so many things, some of which I've only told a few people, I want to do with my life. But after recently celebrating my 23rd birthday, i realize my life just might be a quarter of the way finished (maybe more), and I seriously doubt I've made my mark on the world.
I want to accomplish all of these things, but what I most want to do before I'm dead, cremated, and had my ashes spread over Halle Berry's grave is to just be a great person. I think I'm good at life now, but there is always room for improvement. I could died in 50 years or five minutes from now. I just want to make sure when I'm gone, people will have nice memories of me...like my torrid love affair with Rosario Dawson.
Yeah, I've heard all of that in some shape or form, and it shocked me to hear the negative comments. I used to be a tad naive, thinking people only said nice things about the deceased--you know, out of respect. But, hey, I would be mad at everyone if they didn't say what was on their mind. But at the same time, I often wonder: What will people say/think about me when God strikes me down.
But this is not some vain attempt to keep people from talking bad about me when I'm dead and gone. People will talk regardless. What I'm trying to get at is what my legacy will be. How will I affect people? What will be my life's highlights? And did anyone see my method of death coming a mile away?
There are so many things, some of which I've only told a few people, I want to do with my life. But after recently celebrating my 23rd birthday, i realize my life just might be a quarter of the way finished (maybe more), and I seriously doubt I've made my mark on the world.
- I want to write fiction books, maybe even some movies. Sure it would be cool to act, but come on: a fat black guy, who had never acted, with a bald spot and a limp. Who would I be fooling.
- Sure Florida is nice, but God made about 1.49 trillion other places, and I would really like to see some of these places before I die. The American Plains, Hawaii, Japan, parts of Africa where I won't get brutally murdered, Spain, Australia, Central America. The possibilities are endless.
- I refuse to live life alone, so I would really like to find a common hood rat, wife her up, and raise some kids. I need a girlfriend; applications are coming out soon.
- I want to, and will, lose some weight. My grandparents had/have diabetes. Heart disease is prevalent among black people. And cancer can really beat down a black man's prostate. So why must I help out the Reaper by being fat? I mean, really.
I want to accomplish all of these things, but what I most want to do before I'm dead, cremated, and had my ashes spread over Halle Berry's grave is to just be a great person. I think I'm good at life now, but there is always room for improvement. I could died in 50 years or five minutes from now. I just want to make sure when I'm gone, people will have nice memories of me...like my torrid love affair with Rosario Dawson.
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