EAT THE DAMN CAKE, ANNE

While at work, my roommate texted me, telling me horrible news. Ike Turner died on Wednesday Dec. 12, 2007. Like when everyone dies, I got a bit sad. And buy sad, I mean felt sympathy for his family and loved ones. I wasn't crying or anything. I don't even know the nigga. Just think of all the good Ike Turner has done for the world, especially black people, ages 15-35.

Ike was a pillar of rock and roll. Current popular recording artists credit Ike as an influence in their careers. He won a Grammy in 2007 for his blues album, "Risin' with the Blues." But what we all really know Ike for is an act dating back to prehistoric times: Going upside woman's head. And not just any woman. Tina Turner.

As vividly detailed in "What's Love Got To Do With It," Ike went upside Tina's head from, what had to be, the late 1950s to the late 1970s. There was lip busting, nose breaking, boot hitting, and shallow apologies. But I digress. What we really love most, and what I will miss most, about shrimpy ass Ike Turner is all the crazy fashion statements and catchphrases.

How many of you have Ike to thank for "fi- fi- FINE YO ASS," "damn Anne, you got mo excuses than a nigga going to jail," and "tho..tho..thought a nigga like me would let you go." How many people have had joy brought to their life when they saw Lawrence Fishburn in a purple, one-piece jump suit, a Beatles-inspired wig, and a belt with a hand buckle. Or what about the Indian-inspired outfit complete with the Afro with the feather attached. How many of us got a friend like Frost riding our nuts.

And don't think I forgot about everyone's favorite. "EAT THE CAKE, ANNA MAE. EAT THE G**DAMN CAKE."

Although Ike later (and for real) got off that narcotic, worked to clean up his image due to a one-sided, critically acclaimed movie, and won countless awards, I will always remember him as the coke-addicted, wife beater I grew to love. And while Tina Turner dances in her four-inch stilettos around her Parisian mansion, Friday, Latoya and I will get drunk, watch "What's Love..." and eat cake in honor of Ike. Anyone interested in helping us commemorate his memory can feel free to join me at 1081-2 Solana Ave.

Thanks for listening,
B.rand

Busted my shit wide open

Hello everyone. First I must say thank you to the people who actually read these things. I didn't know I had five fans, but I digress. This note is not that meaningful (in my opinion). But I felt other people needed to know since they didn't have tickets for the show.

For those of you who don't know, I work at Winn-Dixie in the deli/bakery departments. Every night, the closing person has to spray the floor with a mixture of water and grease cutter so health inspectors won't shut us down for having a filthy floor. And for those of you who don't know, I am consistently broke and unfathomably cheap. My shoes look like they are three shifts away from ripping to shreds. But since they have yet to break, I have refused to buy a cheap pair from Payless.

Long story short, I turned a corner, my right foot lost all friction, my left leg followed, and my big ass landed on the floor. Well, not the entire gluteus maximus. That's the one good thing about this story; I landed more so on my right upper thigh/lower butt cheek, saving me from a nasty tail bone injury. I thought the stinging would go away shortly after leaving work. I was wrong. My right upper thigh hurts more than my ears after hearing that J.Lo commercial for Rhapsody.com/jenniferlopez.

So, long story cut not so long....I fell at work and busted my s**t wide open.

Alieve should help, although I'm expecting a big ole bruise to show up. But if I survived being dropped by my friends while i was doing a keg stand, I can survive a fall.

Thanks for listening,
B.Rand